Saturday, June 15, 2019

Breathe and Fly

I won't lie.....
2019 has been by far the worst year of my life!
On March 9, 2019 I lost my LOVE
....the peas to my carrots,
the ying to my yang
...the one who found something in me I could not find BABY LOVE!

one of my favorite pictures of us...

He fought a tough fight for 5 years.....the Dr threw everything she had at him and hurt him bad! But he got back up time and time again. We knew eventually the Mantle Cell would win. I called it our version of the Whack~A~Mole game. He would get better then we would just wait for IT to rear it's ugly head....his gremlin.

He was the strongest, most stubborn man I have ever known. Every day...he got up and went to work, regardless of how he felt sweltering heat and frigid cold. He worked EVERY DAY, right up to the end. He taught me to "put on my big girl panties" wipe away my tears and MOVE ONWARD.

the finished piece

As we embarked on this journey, our "New Normal" we made a pact! He would get better and I'd do the rest. And that I did! As time went on, I began to watch him die before my eyes. I stopped traveling to stay close to home, going with him to ALL of his appointments, because we just NEVER KNEW when the mole would rear his UGLY head! ......and because NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE! I wanted us to be able to make the most out of the GOOD days and lay low, as needed, on the BAD!

my motto

Before he passed, I made him 3 PROMISES......
1. He wouldn't die alone.
2. I wouldn't fight with his son.
3. I'd be OK
Little did I know how HARD it would be to keep my WORD!

I stayed by his side during his hardest battle, the one we both knew he COULDN'T win! I was there as he took his last breath, holding his cold hand and giving his cold lips one last kiss....5:34 am ......and then I was ALONE!

Little did I know when I made the second promise that the son who had been my "friend" would turn on me, saying "IT'S ALL MINE"!

....i promised i'd be OK!

This has been a TOUGH one to walk out! Trying to keep my heart from becoming hard and HATING Gary for allowing THIS to happen. ....he had PROMISED me! It was hard enough GRIEVING the lose of the man I LOVE, but to also hunt for an apartment, get a car.....pack and leave the place I had worked SO HARD to make our home. At times, life has felt ALMOST unliveable. The weight of each day....just CRUSHING! People would say, you're so STRONG. My response....NAH, i just keep waking up every morning, so i HAVE NO CHOICE!

i had to break through the walls i was starting to build....

Bringing me to today. THANKS for the prayers, WORDS of encouragement and HUGZ from many a folk! I am HAPPY TO REPORT, I have purchased a car AND found an apartment! Now to begin the process of moving FORWARD. Hence, my current creation.

I REALLY struggled and struggled with it, tearing it apart many a time. Letting it sit for days on end, pondering my next move. Each time getting a little bit closer to what I had envisioned. Sometimes not even really knowing what I wanted but with the help of friends, verbalizing what I couldn't see in my head, I found my path. The finishing touch being a part of the bracelet I wore for 5 years....No One FIGHTS Alone! It somehow ended up on top of my piece and I KNEW it was meant to be. This piece is VERY symbolic of what I have gone through in these last three months ....I knew it was meant to be even through the struggle! And I LOVE IT!

....i have wings!

NOW it's my time! Time to try and figure out where I'd like the next chapter of my life to take me. .....while just TRYING to keep in some type of forward movement, even if it may ONLY be the smallest of steps. JUST WAITING for the day when the thick cloud of grief will lift and I will once again be "Happy go Lucky Lynne" as Gary would call me....

.....i want to FLY. 

Gary J. Hale

I shall miss you every day for the rest of my life!
....the part of me, that's YOU, will NEVER DIE! 

TODAY is my 56th birthday....
and as I sit here and reflect on my life
and how hard this journey has been...

Products Used
A Vintage Girl

Dina Wakely Acrylic Paint

The Crafter's WorkshopWhite Gesso
Grecian Gold Modeling Paste


Lizzyc said...

ohhh what do I say? It was not a co-incidence I came across your blog today.. i am hurting in my heart for you.. your words have gripped my heart.. I am so sad to read of your loss,, and yet it is also your birthday.. can I send you wishes for a better year ahead?? I do from my heart to yours.. pray the year ahead is a year where you can see some blessings that warm and encourage your heart.. a path that has some easy rest stops along the way.. and real friends that walk beside you and care for you in this journey of life.. sending hugs from me to you.. a person who has never met you but shares a passion for creating stuff who one day some time ago clicked to follow your blog.. take care.. xxx lizzy p.s. your creative piece is perfect.. and I hope you have not felt you have walked alone in this sad chapter of your life.

Maureen Chandler said...

Oh Lynne, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words touched my heart and as I lost my husband of 28 years a year ago, I relived those last days holding his hand, listening to that awful breathing, knowing what was coming yet not able to believe this was truly the end. My husband too went downhill gradually over 7 years of COPD, not able to breathe, ambulance rides, ER visits, hospital stays, back home for a while - it's awful.

With the help of family, friends, and a Hospice grief support group, I have made it a bit past the one year and I'm doing ok most days. My hope for you is that you have that kind of support and caring from those around you and are able to move forward with your lovely art and happy spirit. It's a tough path but time does help and your life will be different but you'll always have your very special memories and the love you shared will always be in your heart.

My heart goes out to you and Happy Birthday to you! XOXO Maureen

Dee in N.H. said...

No words.....just sending you love and a warm hug.......

Terry said...

My sweet friend Lynne, I am crying my eyes out just reading your story, the story of your life with your wonderfull fabulous and amazing guy. Gary would have been so proud of you that you are doing IT, keep holding strong and moving along. What a wonderfull and painfull story I can really touched by your words. I therefore am loving your fabulous heart and winged lady, I can imagine how hard it must have been to create your wonderfull project.
I love it, I love her and I love you Lynne, you are an amazing and strong lady and you will do it, you will needs time to heal and you will overcome it all. The memories will remain and you will see in a while you will have a huge smile on your pretty face while you think back of all the good and wonderfull things you have done together. At least you then, will have the memories. Love you lots sweet friend Hugs Terry xxx

paperpapier said...

Sending you warm hugs from across the ocean, Malaysia. Hope that you will keep on moving forward and overcome all adversity, finding rainbow after the rain.
Warm Hugs,